High-Conflict Co-Parenting: Reducing Harm, Centering Children, and Protecting Your Capacity

For parents navigating complex separation and divorce within the Ontario family law system

Rethinking the Term “High Conflict”

In family court, the phrase “high conflict” is often used to describe co‑parenting situations marked by ongoing disputes, repeated litigation, or intense emotional reactivity. While the label may be administratively convenient, many parents experience it as shaming, oversimplifying, and disconnected from what is actually happening beneath the surface.

What I see clinically is this: conflict is rarely about schedules, emails, or hand‑offs. More often, it is fueled by fear—fear of losing a child, fear of being erased, fear of harm going unnoticed, fear that one’s worst‑case scenario will come true. These fears are not always obvious, logical, or even conscious, and they are frequently intensified by stress, trauma histories, and untreated or undertreated mental health concerns.

Understanding this does not excuse harmful behaviour—but it does help us respond in ways that reduce escalation and protect children.

Mental Health, Without Blame or Labels

In many complex co‑parenting dynamics, one or both parents may be living with diagnosed or undiagnosed mental health challenges. However, naming or pathologizing the other parent is rarely helpful—clinically or legally.

Ontario family courts are clear: decisions are not based on diagnoses alone. They are based on impact, functioning, and most importantly, the best interests of the child.

A more effective—and legally aligned—approach is to:

• Focus on observable behaviours and their impact on the child

• Advocate for concrete supports and safeguards

• Shift the conversation from what is wrong with the other parent to what does this child need to feel safe, stable, and supported.

Fear Is Often the Fuel

When parents are locked in ongoing conflict, each is often acting from a different feared outcome:

• “My child will be emotionally harmed and no one will believe me.”

• “I will lose my relationship with my child.”

• “If I don’t stay hyper‑vigilant, something terrible will happen.”

  
  

Ironically, these fears can drive behaviours that increase scrutiny, escalate conflict, and ultimately place additional strain on children.

Reducing conflict requires addressing fear—internally and strategically—rather than trying to “win” or prove the other parent wrong.

Why One‑Size‑Fits‑All Advice Falls Short

Friends, family, and social media often offer well‑intentioned advice:

“Just parallel parent.” “Take them back to court.” “Document everything.”

While these strategies can be appropriate in some cases, they are not universally helpful. Parenting plans must account for:

• The child’s age, temperament, and developmental stage

• Emotional and psychological vulnerabilities

• Safety considerations

• Each parent’s capacity and consistency (is this impacted by mental health, substance use, etc).

What works for one family may escalate harm in another.

Identify Your Bottom Lines and Your Best‑Case Scenario

In complex co‑parenting situations, resolution rarely feels like a win. Instead, it is often about containment and harm reduction.

Two grounding questions can help:

1. What Are My Bottom Lines?

These are the non‑negotiables directly related to your child’s safety and well‑being (not fairness or validation).

Examples:

• My child must be physically safe.

• My child must have access to school and medical care.

• Transitions must not expose my child to ongoing emotional harm.

  
  

2. What Is My Best‑Case Realistic Scenario?

Not perfection—but what is workable within the reality of this co‑parenting relationship?

From there, the work becomes: How do I operate within this reality while protecting my child and my own mental health?

Where to Put Your Energy (and Where Not To)

For parents in prolonged conflict, I often gently suggest a mindset shift:

Bunker Down

This season is not about thriving—it is about enduring without losing yourself. It is recognizing that this co-parenting journey is unique and it may take some time for the "truth" or reality of the dynamic to surface. In the meantime, it is not always up to you to "prove" it so much as getting out of their way and truly focusing on your relationship with your child(ren).

Focus on What You Can Control

• Your responses

• Your boundaries

• Your documentation

• Your regulation

• Your support network

• Your relationship with your own child(ren)

Invest in Your Relationship With Your Child(ren)

• Repair after stress and/or conflict

• Validate their feelings without interrogating or making it about your own needs

• Be a stable, predictable emotional presence (and forgive yourself when this is challenging)

  
  

Children do not need a perfect parent—they need at least one emotionally available, attuned, and safe adult.

When the Harm Is Hardest to Prove

Physical neglect and abuse are taken seriously in court—but some of the most damaging experiences for children are emotional neglect and psychological harm, which can be far more difficult to prove.

This is why it is critical to:

• Work with professionals who understand both clinical and legal thresholds

• Document patterns rather than isolated incidents

• Advocate for parenting arrangements that reduce exposure to chronic emotional stress

• Focus on your own self-care, self-regulation and support system.

A Compassionate Reality Check

If you are in a complex co‑parenting situation:

• You will likely never feel like you “won.”

• You may feel misunderstood by the system.

• You may grieve the co‑parenting relationship you hoped for.

• You may grieve the partner/spouse/co-parent you thought you had met.

• You may grieve the family dynamic you thought you had.

  
  

And still—you can be a powerful protective factor in your child’s life.

Reducing conflict is not about cooperation at all costs. It is about clarity, containment, and care—for your child and for yourself.

Written by Garion Sparks‑Austin Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist Founder & Director of Co & Associates

ABOUT Garion Sparks-Austin, RSW

Garion Sparks-Austin is a Registered Social Worker in Ontario with a long-standing professional background in child welfare and child protection. Prior to establishing her private practice, Garion worked extensively with children and families navigating complex, high-stakes relational and safety concerns, where nuanced assessment, clinical judgment, and child-centred decision-making were essential.

Her work has been deeply informed by an ability to assess and understand complex relational dynamics, the impact of trauma, and the ways in which lived experience, identity, mental health, and intersecting needs shape parenting and co-parenting relationships. This foundation allowed her to develop a strong professional reputation for supporting families navigating conflict, uncertainty, and systems that often feel overwhelming and adversarial.

In private practice, Garion continues to support parents coping with the emotional and psychological stressors of separation and divorce, custody and access disputes, and prolonged involvement in the family court process. Her approach is grounded in compassion, realism, and a strong focus on children’s emotional and developmental needs—particularly in situations where conflict is ongoing and resolution feels elusive.

Garion’s work emphasizes harm reduction, emotional safety, and helping parents remain a stabilizing and protective presence for their children, even in the midst of complex and prolonged family transitions.

DISCLAIMER

The information shared in this blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only. It is not legal advice, clinical diagnosis, or a substitute for individualized mental health or legal support.

Co-parenting dynamics—particularly those often described as “high conflict”—are complex and highly individualized.

Parenting arrangements, safety planning, and interventions must be considered within the unique context of each family, including the child’s developmental stage, emotional needs, and specific risk factors.

Nothing in this content should be interpreted as an assessment of any individual parent’s mental health, nor as an opinion regarding any specific family law matter. Mental health diagnoses alone are not determinative in Ontario family law; courts focus on functioning, impact, safety, and the best interests of the child.

If you are navigating separation, divorce, or parenting disputes, it is strongly recommended that you seek guidance from qualified professionals, including:

• A family law lawyer familiar with Ontario legislation

• A regulated mental health professional

• Other appropriate child-focused or legal supports

If you have immediate concerns about a child’s safety or well-being, contact local child protection services or emergency services as appropriate.